On Fathers Day

Dad...

I just love coffee. But you already knew that.

I love the way it radiates heat when it's around my fingers. I love the way it lingers on my tongue and the way it smells in the morning. I love when someone I love brings me coffee. I love conversations over cups of it. 

This morning mom woke me up to a fresh cup coffee from my favorite coffee place in Dundas. I took it with me and a bowl of strawberries and visited you. I didn't really know how I would start off today, but that was good.

Because do you remember what we said about Romance, Dad? It doesn't just come in first dates or  holding hands, weddings or store bought anniversary cards. It is all around us, all the time. We just have to find it. And for me, it's in the discovery of Romance in things like small sips of coffee that allow me to open to beauty in this world. There is so much beauty here.

Since you've left, there have been many times where I have failed to see this world as beautiful.  I laughed at the similarities to my life from what you wrote about me on Feb 10, 1997:

"Rachel got really angry and stormed into the bathroom. She sat on a stool and draped a towel over her head 'are you hiding?' I asked. She was shutting the unfriendly world out so I spoke very gently and she pulled the towel from her head and she said she loved me."

I still have those days when I let the brokenness that comes from your absence swallow me whole. Some days I wish I could just hide out in the bathroom again, drape a towel over my head and escape dealing with pain. But I think you had those days too. Our life has always been a series of feeling and reacting to every emotion we have even when we can't explain why we feel it. So we continually change to embrace the beauty- but I think we can agree that some days it is just harder to find than others.

I know that you were never really fond of Fathers Day. Maybe it was the stiff feeling of forced emotions for a holiday everyone had to celebrate, or the dreaded attention you got as an introvert. So we'd subtly acknowledge the date without being too cliche, and always searched to find personal touches to let you know we loved you without being too overwhelming. 

But let me just say, that I realized today that I don't think there will ever be a time when you will have stopped "fathering" me. You are both here and not here, teaching me how to find Romance in every part of my life.  I am still growing and learning from you. I'm still finding letters you left me tucked away in old birthday cards. Im still get glimpses of you in dreams. You are still teaching me how to be a better writer as I read your articles and reflections on our time together. The amount that you inspire me does not stop after final breaths. 

Like my five year old self said quietly, popping out from under the towel draped over her head, I will say again: "I love you"


Happy Fathers Day Daddy.