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Oh my, there is so much to say and I haven’t even started this trip yet! Within the past month, my life has turned upside down, been shaken up, and been thrown back down. I feel like that kid Jonah in the bible who was eaten by a whale, then spit out- no doubt completely reoriented and confused. For those of you who don’t know, my dad past away about a month ago suddenly from a heart attack. Writing that still doesn’t make sense to me. With this came a sea (Jonah pun?) of emotions that has been devastating. Because during that time, I had to choose between two really hard things- staying home with my family, or leaving to follow my calling in Zambia. The creation of this blog alludes to the fact that I chose the latter.

But why? Why would I pick up and leave while I go through this trauma? 

Because as much as I don’t understand Gods timing, I decided that he is far bigger than my own understanding. Because that is what being a Christian peacemaker is about- throwing myself into situations and trusting that God will be more present in my life then ever. Some may say this is the worst timing for this trip, but honestly I think it is the best time. I am learning how to reshape my life to becoming a better Christ follower, and to do that I need to become vulnerable again.

Last week I started taking pottery class at this cute little art school in my hometown. If this has taught me anything, It has showed me that beautiful things can come from a pile of dirt that was extracted from the ground. My life is kind of like that mound of clay. Its messy and looks a little gross sometimes, but I think its malleable enough to be transformed into something good. And this is not to deny that there will not be bumpy parts or it won’t get thrown off center from time to time. But I am welcoming the messiness that comes with this trip and trusting that God will help me become workable clay. This requires me to really surrender myself to the hands of God. Re-accepting my position was the first step I took to do that.

The new mantra in our household these days is that we no longer wait for ideal times, for anything. Do you want to travel more? Then do it. Do you want to reconnect with a relative? Send them a message and go have coffee. Have you been wanting to get a new hair cut? Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and book an appointment. Do you want to quit the job you hate? The quit, and trust that God will continue to provide for you.  I think we’ve all been pretty accountable for eachother, and we’ve all helped to provide eachother with the means to make all that happen.

If we sit around and wait for the most ideal time, it will never come. I know that sounds so cliche, but within the past month I have done more with my life than I did all last summer. I have had more inspiring conversations, had more difficult conversations, cried more, loved more, travelled more, prayed more, felt more. Of course there have been obvious circumstances in my life that have pushed this “more” on me, but I would hope that my life continues to grab whatever I can take, always.

Because I think there's a difference between being stupidly spontaneous, and thoughtfully throwing yourself into new situations, if that makes sense.

Im putting back together my life, yes. But that doesn't mean I have to put it back in the exact same way. This time I can add pieces, throw out ones that never fit, and rearrange it to make something that is unrecognizable, but hopefully more beautiful. The title of my blog “Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope”, comes from a beautiful book by Joan Chittister that my mom lent me a few weeks ago. Along with acknowledging the deep pain that comes from loss, it outlines the hope that we can feel when we allow ourselves to transform our hearts again to change. She says, 

"Conversion does not expect to settle down, it expects only to become new over and over again. It sees changes as the impetus to explore the other part of the self, demanding as that may be, as difficult as that may be to begin, unwanted as that may be at the time. 

Change in an invitation to see life differently now than I ever did before. Change converts me from the narrowness of perspective that trapped me in the small confines of my former self to a more expansive, more flexible citizen of the world. It calls me to imagination."

...This is what I have in mind as I prepare to leave. And this is why I welcome messiness and change that will inevitably come with this new experience.